I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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