Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.