My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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