I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
