i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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