I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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