How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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