I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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