i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
