yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
