Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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