is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties