Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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