I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
