he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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