My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
