i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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