my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
