I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize