there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
