Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
