Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
