Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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