My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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