I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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