Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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