I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
