I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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