Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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