Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
