I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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