I am puke
I just threw up on my dentist
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
