it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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