i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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