I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
