When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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