This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
