we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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