Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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