my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
