From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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