if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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