My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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