Apparently you make a good broom.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you inspire me to be a worse person
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
