I heard we made out
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
