I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Someone came in the potted fern
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
