She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
