Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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