Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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