you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
