i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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