I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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