I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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