I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
