I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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