I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
