Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
