She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
