Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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