and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
