there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Semen is not good for contacts.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
