haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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