sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
